Harry Potter and the Prison BXXXX of AXXkaban
by M.M. Rowling
Summary: Sirius Black has escaped, headed up Harry Potter's a**.
1. Owl Shit

CHAPTER ONE

OWL SHIT

Harry really wanted to masturbate using the computer but was forced to do it in secret, late at night.

He was lying on his side in bed, a Fleshlight in one hand and a Playboy propped open against the pillow. Harry moved the Fleshlight up and down his shaft.

As long as he didn't leave jizz stains on the sheets, the Dursleys would never know he was jerking off at night.

Harry received a phone call from Ron Weasley.

"Vernon Dursley speaking."

"YO YO YO! ONE FOUR EIGHT, THREE TO THE THREE TO THE SIX TO THE NINE, REPRESENTING THE OSC. WHAT UP BIATCH? LEAVE IT AT THE TONE."

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?" he roared. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

"HELLO? THIS IS RON!" Ron bellowed.

"NO YOU CAN'T SUCK MY COCK!" he roared.

Hedwig dropped a package on Harry's head.

_Hey Harry,_

_I couldn't believe Dad lost one galleon on the lottery. They're going to buy me a new dick next year._

Harry remembered when Ron's dick had snapped. It had happened when they flew a bus into a tree.

_London town bitch,_

_Ron _

_ One more thing. Percy's Head Dick._

Harry turned to his present.

_Harry — this is a Pocket Pussy. If there's someone hot around, bust it out and enjoy._

_ Bye bitch —_

_ Ron_

Harry picked up a parcel.

_Dear Harry,_

_ I saw your present on _Reddit. _I hope you think of me._

_ Love you_

_ Hermione_

Harry picked up Hermione's present.

"Wow, a _Dipstick Servicing Kit_!" Harry whispered.

There was a jar of lube, a pair of pube clippers, a cock ring for long sessions, and a _Handbook of Do-It-Yourself Cockcare_.

Harry picked up his last parcel from Hagrid.

A book tried to bite off his dick.

"Bitch!"


	2. Big Marge's Shit

CHAPTER TWO

BIG MARGE'S SHIT

Harry looked up at the television:

"… The public is warned that Black is armed with a big black cock as well he should be and extremely gay for men."

"No need to tell us _he's_ homo," snorted Uncle Vernon. "Look at him!"

"Killing them's the only way to deal with people unfit for society," said Uncle Vernon.

"Aunt _Barge's_ coming?" Harry blurted out.

"Shut the fuck up when you're talking to Marge," growled Uncle Vernon.

"Marge doesn't know jack shit about your _medical condition_," said Uncle Vernon, "so I don't want to see any _retarded_ shit."

"You attend St. Brute's Autistic Center for Mentally Retarded Boys," said Uncle Vernon.

"_Fuck that_!" Harry yelled.

"Sign my permission form," said Harry.

"You have my permission to eat a sack of baby dicks motherfucker," sneered Uncle Vernon.

"What if I let something slip?" said Harry.

"_I'll slip you into a coma_!" roared Uncle Vernon.

"You'll have to beat the shit out of Aunt Marge to make her forget what I tell her," he said.

"Fuck you," he snapped.

"Still fat as fuck?" Harry barked.

"Yes," said Aunt Marge.

"Don't you fucking say 'yes' in that defeated tone," Harry growled. "It's damn good of Vag and Tuna to feed you. You'd have gone straight to fat camp if you'd taken a dump in _my_ house."

"Don't you fucking laugh at me!" boomed Aunt Marge. "I can see you're just as queer as before."

"Do they use the whip at your school?" she barked.

"Like my name is Toby," said Harry.

"Aye," said Aunt Marge. "That's a good nigger."

"You mustn't blame yourself for the boy's retardation," Aunt Marge said. "If he's butt ugly on the _outside_, then it is what it is."

"It's a basic rule of science," she said. "If you inbreed, there'll be something wrong —"

At that moment, Aunt Marge explosively farted.

"Are you okay?" squealed Aunt Petunia.

"Must have been your shit cooking," grunted Aunt Marge.

"What the fuck did this Pothead do?" said Aunt Marge.

"Unemployed," said Uncle Vernon.

"As expected for a deadbeat, no-good, lazy ass nig —"

"Proud of your parents? Killing themselves —"

"You are full of shit!" said Harry.

"They committed suicide, you motherfucking, ungrateful little shit, and you fucking know it!" screamed Aunt Marge.

Aunt Marge stopped speaking. She swelled. She deflated, her asshole bursting with shit —

Shit rose to the ceiling.

Harry got the fuck out of there.

"MAKE IT FUCKING STOP!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.

"Later fags!" Harry said. "I've had enough of this shit, literally."


	3. The Slave Bus

CHAPTER THREE

THE SLAVE BUS

Harry dragged his shit onto the streets of East MC.

A brush on his leg made Harry feel he was not alone.

He bent over. Something was humping his leg.

Harry staggered into the street. He tripped and ate shit.

A bus swerved to avoid hitting Harry and screeched to a halt.

A conductor stepped out.

"'Choo retarded?" said the conductor.

"You're retarded," said Harry.

"Suicidal motherfucker," said Stan.

"Welcome to the Slave Bus, where trash gets treated like trash. I'm Stan Shunpike faggot, and I will be your slave master tonight."

"Name?" Stan persisted.

"Eda Deck," said Harry.

"Thanks," said Stan.

"Diagon Alley betch," said Harry.

"Eleven Sickles motherfucker," said Stan, "but for fifteen you get a dildo in the size of your choice."

Brass shackles chained patrons to wooden plank beds.

"Slave Bus roll out!" said Stan.

"Bitch," said Ern. "I'm a bus."

Ernie drove like a gook. The Slave Bus mounted the curb, running over a black pedestrian.

"Put 'er in reverse," said Stan.

Ern gladly obliged.

The Slave Bus stopped at the Leaky Pisser.

Stan threw Harry and his shit out.

"Get the fuck out," Ern said.

"Harry," said Cornelius Fudge.

"Fuck off," said Harry. "I'm going to sleep."


	4. The Leaky Pisser

CHAPTER FOUR

THE LEAKY PISSER

Harry shoved bitch witches and piss wizards aside.

"You stepped on my shoe, bitch!" squeaked a boy.

"Call me another bitch again and I'll park your broom dead in yo ass," Harry told the crowd.

"Snoop Dogg's put in an order for one of these bad boys!" a slack-jawed retard told his gay companion. "And he's the biggest stoner ever!"

_THE FIREBONG_

This state-of-the-high water pipe sports glass construction. The bowl is cut from individually selected birch wood. The Firebong has a height of 5 feet and incorporates an unbreakable Breaking Charm. Cheap as hell.

Harry entered Flourish and Blotts.

"Out the way Fagwarts fuck," said the manager. He put on a protective cup, picked up a flamethrower, and entered the _Monster Books'_ cage.

"Hold up," said Harry, "I've already got one you eager cunt."

"Fuck you."

Two of the _Monster Books_ were pulling his asshole apart.

"Burn bitch burn!" cried the manager, igniting the books.

The manager burned Flourish and Blotts to the ground.

Harry salvaged _Breaking Balls: When Penis Turns into Pussy_ and _Phallic Symbols: What Has Been Seen Cannot Be Unseen_.

"Don't read that shit," said the manager. "You'll start seeing penises everywhere. It's enough to make anyone gay."

Harry met Ron and Hermione.

"Ron! HERMIONE!"

"Did you do blow?" said Hermione.

"I just — lost control," said Harry.

"It's not fucking funny," said Hermione.

"Are you on your _period_?" said Ron.

"I don't fucking think so," said Hermione.

"Got all your new books and shit?" said Harry.

"The assistant burned all the books to shit," said Ron.

"Oh, fuck," Harry said.

"I want to get my dick checked," said Ron. "I don't think there's circulation."

"There's a medicine shop," said Harry. "You could see if they've got boner pills, and Hermione can get her birth control."

"It's my dick," Ron told the bitch. "It's been a bit off-color ever since I snapped it."

"Bang it on the counter," said the witch.

Ron lifted his dick out.

"How long is your dick?" said the witch.

"Dafuq," said Ron.

"Can you get hard?" said the witch.

"Er —"

"If you can't get a replacement, you can try Viagra," said the witch.

"FUCK!" said Ron.

Something landed on his dick.

"What the fuck _was_ that?"

Hermione was carrying Garfield.

"You're _keeping_ that bitch?" said Ron.

"He's the only _pussy_ you're ever going to get," said Hermione.

"That thing nearly castrated me!" said Ron.

"You did mean to sexually assault Crookshanks, didn't you, you fag?" said Harry.

"Would I get a new dick if we caught Sirius Black?" asked Ron. "It'd be good to piss —"

"Don't be retarded Ron," said Mr. Weasley. "It's the Asskaban guards who'll rape him."

"I notice they haven't made you two needledicks prefects," said Mrs. Weasley.

"What the fuck do we want to be piecesofshits for?" said George. "It'd take all the hetero out of life."

"We signed Percy up for gay porn," he told Harry.

The Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione barhopped their way through five bars to the Leaky Pisshole.

Everyone crashed and passed out.

Harry heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley arguing.

"…Look, just because Harry's bereaved doesn't make him a sap!" Mr. Weasley said.

"God damn it!" said Harry.

"I'm trying to sleep for fuck's sake," said Harry. "Shut the _hell_ up!"


	5. The Demanter

CHAPTER FIVE

THE DEMANTER

Tom woke Harry with unpersuasive toothless fellatio.

"Percy's accusing me of jizzing on his photo of Odysseus Clearwater," Ron said. "He's smeared his face.…"

Mr. Weasley marched Harry into a car.

"Step off bitch," said Harry.

They reached King's Cross.

Mr. Weasley kept close to Harry.

"Trying to feel me up?" Harry said.

Percy strode over to a boy with a pelvic thrust so that he couldn't miss his package.

"You need to know something —" said Mr. Weasley.

"I already know," said Harry.

"That you're a self-centered unappreciative ingrate?"

"I'm not sorry," Harry added.

"Swear to me you won't _fuck_ Black up," said Mr. Weasley.

"Why would I rape someone who wants to rape me?" said Harry.

Harry ran to the compartment door and Ron threw it open into his dick.

"Fuck off, Ginny," said Harry.

"Asshole," said Ginny.

"I saved your life bitch," Harry muttered.

They sat down next to a hobo.

"Who the fuck is that?" Ron hissed.

"How the fuck would I know?" whispered Hermione.

"Looks like one fart would finish his ass off," said Ron.

Harry explained the warning. Hermione said, "Sirius Black escaped prison rape to rape _you_? Don't go looking for trash —"

"Trash usually find _me_," said Harry.

"He was top prison bitch," said Ron.

"What the fuck was that?" said Ron.

Ron pulled the Pocket Pussy out. It was whistling and glowing.

"Stick your cock in it," Harry advised.

"Get a new one in Hogsmeade," said Ron. "They sell that at Zack's, sex objects and shit."

"I've read it's the only homosexual settlement in Britain —"

"I'm sure it is," said Ron, "I want to go to Honeygooks!"

"Homogooks?" said Hermione.

"It's this massage parlor," said Ron. "Pepper Suckers — smoking blow jobs — and breasts full of cream, and sugar dildos, which you can use and suck ass to mouth —"

"The hostel tortured backpackers," said Hermione, "and the Shrieking Shack is the most STD infested brothel in Britain —"

"— and massive tits that make your cock grow a few inches while you're sucking them," said Ron.

"I don't think Harry should be in Hogsmeade with Black horny —"

"Oh, fuck you," said Harry.

"Black wouldn't touch Harry inappropriately if _we're_ there," said Ron.

"Dogshit," said Hermione. "Black's already raped a shitload of people in the middle of broad daylight. He's going to rape Harry and us."

Draco Malfoy appeared at the door.

"Well lawdy dawdy do," said Malfoy. "If it ain't Porta-Potty and the Butthurt Boy."

"I heard your cock died of shock," said Malfoy. "Did you get a sex change?"

Malfoy farted on the hobo and disappeared.

"I'm not going take anymore shit from Malfoy this year," he said. "I fucking mean it. If he shits on me again, I'm going to get his dick and —"

Ron banged his fist in midair.

The train came to a stop. The lamps went out.

"What in the hell's going on?" said Ron.

Harry felt around.

"Hey!" gasped Hermione. "Ron, that was my boob!"

"Harry?"

"Shit, it's Neville," said Harry.

"Don't let that retard in —"

"Hermione?"

"Ginny?"

"What's her _face_?"

"Sit the fuck down —"

"Not in fucking here!" said Harry. "_Fuck_ off!"

"Quiet queers!" said the hobo.

Standing in the doorway was a cloaked figure.

It got down on its knees, as though it were trying to suck cock.

Harry seized —

Someone farted in his face.

Harry slapped the shit out of Ron.

"Fuck was that?" he asked.

"A demanter," said the hobo. "Of Asskaban."

"Fuck happened to the demanter?" said Harry.

"The hobo shot a milky thing out of his wand," said Hermione, "and it took it and satisfyingly glided away.…"

"Did you feel it in your scrotum how cold it got when it came in?" said Neville.

"I felt like," said Ron. "I'd never get an erection again.…"

The train stopped at Hogsmeade station.

"You _seized_? You fucking _pussy_."

"Piss off, Mofo'," said Ron.

"Potter!" a voice called. "Get your ass over here."

"Fucking you again?" said Madam Pomfrey. "What happened to you this fucking time?"

"Demanter," said Professor McGonagall.

"Fucking pussy," she muttered.

"I ain't no fucking pussy!" said Harry.

"What does he need?" said Professor McGonagall. "Psychiatric evaluation? Mental hospital?"

"Fuck _no_!" said Harry.

The Gryffindors streamed up to Gayffindor Tower.

"New password's 'Genitalia Minor'!" Percy called.

"Fuck me," said Neville Longbottom. He had Alzheimer's disease.


	6. Foresight and Foreskin

CHAPTER SIX

FORESIGHT AND FORESKIN

Pansy Parkinson did an impression of an epileptic seizure.

"Hey, your fucking name is fucking Pansy for fuck's sake!" said Harry. "And your fucking face fucking looks like a fucking pig! _Oink_!"

Malfoy pretended to have a fit.

"Little shit," George said. "Ran like a little bitch last night."

"Shit himself," said Fred.

Hermione examined her schedule.

"They fucked up your schedule," said Ron. "How the fuck're you supposed to be in three classes at the same _time_?"

"Ron, you're out of your element," said Hermione. "Ron, the schedule is not the issue here."

"Am I wrong? Am I wrong?"

"Shut the fuck up, Ron," said Hermione.

"Has the whole world gone CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES?"

"YOU THINK I'M FUCKING AROUND HERE?" Hermione snapped.

Malfoy did yet another fucking impression of a fainting fit.

The journey to North Tower was a bitch.

"Oh lawrd have mercy!" a knight in a painting yelled. "Security! Security! We got a code trash! Code trash at the main landing!"

"Bitch, what the hell is a code trash?" said Harry.

"There's some hungry looking niggas at the front landing."

"Well my name is Harry Potter," said Harry. "I was looking for the North Tower."

"Well I'm Cadogan, Sir Cadogan, no homo."

"And I work for Professor Trelawney."

"And you slick niggas ain't going fast talk your way into this here North Tower."

"You're fucking retarded," muttered Ron.

Professor Trelawney emerged to say some gay shit.

"How's your grandmother?" she said.

"Fuck my grandmother," said Neville.

"Beware a soulless ginger," she shot at Parvati Patil.

Parvati backed the fuck away from Ron.

"Classes will be disrupted in February by a nasty outbreak of herpes."

"Your period will happen on Friday the sixteenth of October."

Lavender blushed.

"Get a pipe. I laced the marijuana leaves with coke. Hit the pipe three times until only the ashes remain. Oh, and fuck you for breaking my shit."

Neville broke his pink pipe.

Harry and Ron smoked the pipes.

"What the fuck do you see in mine?" said Ron.

"Some burnt up shit," said Harry.

"You've got a crooked dick …" He consulted _Unfogging Horseshit_. "That means you have a 'crooked dick'.…"

"What the fuck are you smoking?" said Ron.

Ron peered into Harry's bowl. "Not sure if bowler hat or acorn," he said.

"You have the Penis."

"The Penis!" cried Professor Trelawney. "The gayest omen — of _homosexuality_!"

"_Lay_ off the cocaine. You and your crackhead theories are ridiculous," Hermione said.

"I perceive a bitchy aura around you."

"Finish deciding whether I'm fucking gay or not!" said Harry.

"Get that faggot out of here," said Professor Trelawney.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione cut Transfiguration.

They set off for Care of Magical Creatures.

"Open yer books —"

"How the fuck do we do that?" said Draco Malfoy.

"Yeh didn' guess to _finger_ 'em?" said Hagrid.

"Oh, how retarded we've all fucking been!" Malfoy sneered. "We should have _fingered_ the shit out of them!"

"Oh, really fucking funny!" said Malfoy. "Giving us fucking books that try to fucking bite our fucking dicks off!"

"Mother of God, this fucking place has gone to complete and utter shit," said Malfoy. "That ogre teaching, my father'll have a fucking Harry Potter fit when I tell him about this shit."

Hagrid got the hippogriffs.

Malfoy flashed Buckbeak.

"Fugly bitch," Malfoy drawled.

There was a flash of talons. Malfoy screamed like the fucking faggot he was. Malfoy laid in fetal position, blood on the crotch of his robes.

"I'm Jewish!" Malfoy yelled. "I'm fucking Jewish, look at my dick! It circumcised me!"

"Yer not fuckin' Jewish!" said Hagrid.

Harry saw that there was foreskin on the grass.


	7. The Faggot in the Closet

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE FAGGOT IN THE CLOSET

Malfoy pimp strutted in as though he survived the Holocaust.

"Does it work?" simpered pansy Pansy Parkinson.

"For you," said Malfoy.

"Settle the fuck down," said Professor Snape.

"I need help cutting off my dog testicle —" Malfoy called.

"Weasel, cut off Malfoy's testicle for him," said Snape.

"Bitch nig," he hissed.

"Bitch, you heard the man. Cut off my testicle."

"Weasley's mutilating my testicle," drawled Malfoy.

"Change testicles with Malfoy, Measly."

"Fuck you —"

"_Now_ bitch," said Snape.

"I need my shriveled testicle skinned," said Malfoy.

"Potato, skin Malfoy's testicle," said Snape.

Harry flung Malfoy's shriveled testicle at him.

"Seen your butt buddy Hagrid lately?" he asked.

"Father's not happy about my dick —"

"Keep talking, bitch, and I'll fuck your dick up," snarled Ron.

Neville was in deep shit. His potion was in the shitter.

"Bitch, does anything not phallic penetrate you?" said Snape.

"Longbottom, we will drop this potion on your dick and see what happens," said Snape.

"Help!" he moaned.

"Help yourself to a big cup of shut the fuck up," said Hermione.

Seamus Finnigan leaned over to borrow Harry's scales.

"Get your own fucking scales you fucking mooch," said Harry.

"Sirius Black's been sighted," said Seamus.

Malfoy looked up.

"What, bitch?" said Ron. "Need your dick skinned?"

"Trying to rape Black single-cocked?"

"That's right, bitch," said Harry.

"Gather 'round," said Snape, "if you homos want to see Longbottom's chode."

Snape poured a few drops down Neville's pants.

"Five points from every fag who looked," said Snape.

Peeves the Pervert was taking a ghost shit on Professor Lupin.

"Faggy, faggoty, faggot," Peeves sang.

"_Waddiwasi_!"

A broom shot up Peeves' asshole.

"Gay!" said Dean Thomas.

Professor Snape was in the staffroom.

"I want to witness this cluster of a fuck."

"This class contains the retard Neville Longbottom. Trust this fuck up to fuck up."

"Boggarts like closets," said Professor Lupin.

"It's best to gangbang a boggart," said Professor Lupin. "He becomes sexually confused. Which should he become, a faggot or a lesbian? I saw a boggart — turned himself into a shemale. Frightening as fuck."

Michael Jackson stepped out of the closet.

"_Riddikulus_ pedofaggot!" squeaked Neville.

Michael Jackson turned back to black.

Hermione walked forward. Rosie O'Donnell walked toward her very slowly, gasping for air —

"_Riddikulus_ fat ass!" cried Hermione.

Rosie O'Donnell face planted and rolled around.

Hermione shoved Harry forward.

Where Rosie O'Donnell had been was Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair. He opened his mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the air that made Harry's hair stand on end —

"_Riddikulus_ retard!" shouted Harry.

Stephen Hawking spazzed out.

Dean hurried forward.

Stephen Hawking turned into a Klansman with a burning cross.

"_Riddikulus_ hater!" yelled Dean.

The Klansman burned himself.

Ron leapt forward.

A jail nigga advanced on Ron.

"Don't drop the soap, Ron!" shouted the jail nigga.

"_Riddikulus_! You can't have my booty!" bellowed Ron.

The jail nigga slipped on his cock.

Professor Lupin hurried forward.

Edward Cullen appeared.

"_Avada Kedavra_ Twibitch!"

The boggart exploded and burst into butterflies.

"I didn't do jack shit," said Seamus.

"That's because you're a fucking pussy," Lupin said.

"I wish I could have had a turn —"

"What would it have been for you, Pavarti?" said Ron. "Osama shit Laden?"


	8. Fall of the Fat Ass

CHAPTER EIGHT

FALL OF THE FAT ASS

Harry had something enjoyable to occupy him. The Quidditch season was approaching, and Oliver Wood, ringleader of the Gryffindor escort service, called a meeting.

There were seven people on the escort service: three call girls, whose job it was to have sex; two bodyguards, who were manned with bats to break creeps' knees; the pimp, who owned the escorts, and the recruiter, who had the hardest job of all, that of casting the girls.

"This is _my_ last fucking chance to become the 1%," he told them. "I'll be leaving at the end of this year. I'll get a shitty job.

"So get your asses out on the street and _make me some money_!" Wood rumbled.

Harry pantsed Ron, exposing his dick.

Crookshanks pounced.

"OY!" Ron roared as Crookshanks sank its claws. "GET THE FUCK OFF MY COCK!"

Ron tried to pull Crookshanks off, but Crookshanks clung on.

"Ron, I didn't know you had a pussy!" squealed Hermione. Ron whirled around and Crookshanks ate shit.

"Look at my dick!" he said. "It's skin and blood! Keep that fucking cat away from me!"

"Crookshanks doesn't understand!" said Hermione. "All cats are assholes, dicknose!"

"There's something retarded about that animal!" said Ron.

"How's your cock?" Hermione asked.

"Working," said Ron.

Lavender Brown seemed to be crying.

"Hell's the matter with you?" said Hermione.

"She got her period this morning," Parvati whispered.

"Ignore that bitch," said Ron, "she doesn't think people's genitals matter very much."

"Hand Hogsmeade permission forms to me," Professor McGonagall called. "No form, no fun."

Neville put up his hand.

"Fuck off, Longbottom," said Professor McGonagall.

Harry headed for Professor McGonagall's desk.

"Fuck off, Potter," she said without looking up. "Stay in your trash bin."

"Staying with the trash, Potter?" shouted Malfoy. "Scared of getting your cock sucked off by the demanters?"

Harry made his way back to Gryffindor tower.

"Pass?" said the Fat Ass.

"Assfisted," said Harry.

"Good for you."

"Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry! Pot! Pot! Pot! Potty! Potty! Potty! Potter! Potter! Potter! James! James! James! James! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jim! Jimmy! Jimmy! Potter! Potter! Potter!"

It was Colin Creevey, who had a hard-on for Harry.

"WHAT?" said Harry.

"Hi."

Harry turned right around and headed back out.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Filch snarled.

"None of your fucking business," said Harry.

"Nothing my ass!" spat Filch. "Bullshit! Stop fucking around."

"Go back to Mexico where you belong!" snapped Filch.

"Psst — gay sex!"

Harry doubled back.

"Brewski?" Lupin said.

"Aight," said Harry.

"Wasn't asking you," said Lupin. "I was just thinking to myself."

"That day we fought the boggart," said Lupin, "I assumed that it would take the shape of Lord Voldemort."

"ONLY I CAN USE THAT NAME!" said Harry. "YOU SAYIN' I'M A PUSSY?"

They were interrupted by a knock.

"I was just showing Harry my penis," said Lupin jokingly, not really.

"What are you, a Catholic priest?" said Snape. "Just stop it, Michael Jackson."

"Professor Severed Snake has concocted a potion for me," he said. "Pity being straight makes it useless," he added.

"What —?" Harry began.

"Snape'd do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job," Harry blurted out.

"Anything?" said Lupin.

"Fascinating," he said. "I'd better go then. Get the fuck out."

Ron and Hermione turned up.

"The American Thanksgiving feast is starting.…"

"You go, I'll be down in five minutes."

Harry had a turkey tug in observance of Thanksgiving Day.

Malfoy shouted, "The demanters send kisses for your cock, Potter!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione reached the corridor of Gryffindor Tower.

"Why the fuck isn't anyone going in?" said Ron.

"Get yo bitch ass out the way nigga," came Percy's voice. "You can't all have forgotten the password — I get reminded every day —"

Percy said, "Somebody get my rubber fist. Quick."

The Fat Ass' portrait was tagged.

SIRIUS WUZ HERE

"Did Sirius Black do this, Peeves?" said Dumbledore.

Peeves blew a raspberry.

Dumbledore put his foot so far up Peeves' ass that Dumbledore could use Peeves' head as a pegleg.

"Oh I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. You were saying something? What's the matter? Oh you were finished! Well allow me to retort. What does Sirius Black look like?"

"What?"

Dumbledore flipped over a table.

"What country you from?"

"What? What?"

"'What' ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in 'What'?"

"What?"

"English motherfucker, do you speak it?"

"Yes!"

"Then you know what I'm sayin'!"

"Yes!"

"Describe what Sirius Black looks like!"

"What?"

"Say 'what' again! Say 'what' again! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say 'what' one more God damn time!"

"He's black."

"Go on."

"He's bald."

"Does he look like a bitch?"

"What?"

Dumbledore put his foot so far up Peeves' ass that he tasted shit.

"DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?"

"No!"

"Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Peeves?"

"I didn't."

"Yes you did. Yes you did, Peeves! You tried to fuck him. Sirius Black don't like to be fucked by anybody except demanters."


	9. Anal Defeat

CHAPTER NINE

ANAL DEFEAT

Everyone had the same stupid ass question: "_How the fuck did he get in_?"

"Cross-dressed, likely," said a Hufflepuff.

"Am I the only one around here who's ever read a fucking book?" said Hermione.

"The castle's protected by enchantments to stop nigs from breaking and entering," said Hermione

"Any sign of the Fat Lady, Professor Professorson?" asked Percy.

"Hiding her ugly ass. She refused to let Black into her, so he sodomized her with a can of spray paint."

The Fat Ass was replaced with Sir Cadogan and his fat ass.

Sir Cadogan was the only one brave enough to volunteer his asshole.

Professor McGonagall said, "You understand why it's best for Gryffindor to continue practicing Quidditch out on the exposed field, Potter —"

"Sirius Black's after me!" said Harry.

"I'd like to win the Cup … with or without you, Potter … all the same … I'd be happy."

Harry cried.

"We're playing fucking Hufflepuff instead of Slytherin!" Oliver Wood told the Gryffindor team.

"Their fucking Seeker's dick's still fucked up," said Wood. "Doesn't want to play in this weather. Can't get it wet.…"

"Faking it!" said Harry.

"We've been hustling assuming we're buying off Slytherin, and instead it's fucking Hufflepuff, and their demands are different. They've got a new Captain and Seeker, Cedric Diggory —"

Angelina, Alicia, and Katie giggled.

"He's that tall, handsome one," said Angelina.

"Strong and big," said Katie.

"Diggory hates shit love stories!" Wood shouted. "We _must_ seduce him into throwing the game!"

"He'll be silent," said Fred.

"Today we shall discuss queerwolves," said Snape.

"Which of you pieces of shits can tell me how we distinguish between the queerwolf and the true werewolf?" said Snape.

"Tell us you fucking douchebag," said Parvati.

"Well fuck me, a third-year class of dumbfucks who wouldn't even recognize a fucking queerwolf when they saw one.…"

Ron said, "You asked us a fucking question and you know the fucking answer! Why fucking ask?"

"Detentions, little shits," Snape said.

"D'you know what that fucking cunt is making us do? We've got to scrub the fucking toilets destroyed by shits from the fucking Thanksgiving Day Observed feast. _Without gas masks_! Black should've fucking hidden in Snape's office. They could have finished each other off!"

They were off.

Harry couldn't see shit. He couldn't hear shit.

He took the time to play dirty. Twice Harry hit other players, unseating them.

Wood called for time-out.

"Unless we get the fucking Snitch," said Wood, "we'll have fucked Diggory for nothing."

"Can't see shit," Harry said.

Hermione's spell repelled water from his glasses.

Harry wanted to go down on her.

There was a clap of thunder, followed by lightning that hit a yellow player.

Harry looked down.

A hundred demanters were up his ass.

Harry seized.

Harry's asshole was aching as though he had been raped.

"What fucking happened?" he said.

"You fainted," said Fred.

"Diggory got the fucking Snitch," said George. "He realized what had happened. He was fucking paid off. But they won fair and queer … even Wood conceded."

"Where is Wood?" said Harry.

"Trying to drown you," said Fred.

"It's fucking over," said Fred.

"We want to fucking beat you up," Fred told him.

"Did you homos get my Nimbus?"

"When you fainted, you got blown into the Whomping Willow," said Hermione.

"The Whomping Willow broke it off in your ass," said Ron.


	10. The Mofo's Map

CHAPTER TEN

THE MOFO'S MAP

The class bitched about Snape.

"It's not fucking fair the douchebag should give us homowork."

"We don't know jack shit about queerwolves —"

"— I'm retarded!"

"Don't you worry child. You don't have to do shit."

"Oh _motherfucker_," said Hermione.

Professor Lupin brought a hinkypunk.

"Lures queers into closets," said Professor Lupin. "You see the dildo hanging from his hand? Fags follow — then — rape —"

"I heard about the demanters," said Lupin.

"Asskaban must be gay," Harry muttered.

"Most of them grow manginas within weeks."

"Black must have found a way to do the raping.… Demanters rape a wizards of his sexuality.…"

"Psst — butt sex!"

Harry turned to see Fred and George.

"We've come to pleasure you," said Fred. "Come in here.…"

"Do I have to get on my knees?"

"Harry, you homo," said George.

George pulled a bit of parchment out of his ass.

He said, "_I solemnly swear that I am not gay_."

_Messrs. Mooner, Wormdick, Pudfoot, and Prick_

_Perverts with AIDS and Magical Mother-Fuckers_

_are proud to present_

THE MOFO'S MAP

"Don't forget to wipe it after you've jizzed yourself —" said George.

"Say, 'I lied!'"

Harry got into Honeygooks.

Harry saw a sign (TAINT). Ron and Hermione were examining a jar of blood-flavored penises.

"Harry won't want that shit," Hermione was saying.

"How about Cock Clusters?" said Ron.

"Fuck no," said Harry.

"Sweet fucking Jesus!" said Ron, "I've just came in my shit stained trousers!"

Harry told them about the Mofo's Map.

"Harry's going to hand it in," said Hermione bitchily.

"Hell no you stupid bitch!" said Harry, backhanding Hermione with a satisfying smack.

"Put a cock in it," said Ron.

Hermione bit her lip, tearing up.

"What the fuck are you going to do about it?" Harry asked.

"Oh — of course I'm not going to report you —"

They went for a butterbeer at Styx.

Professors McGonagall and Flitwick, Hagrid, and Cornelius the Fuck entered the club.

"So what the fuck are you doing here?" came Madam Rosmerta's voice.

Fudge said, "Sirius m'fucking Black."

"I remember Black at Hogwarts," said Madam Rosmerta. "Quite the gay couple, Sirius Black and James Potter!"

"You'd have thought Black and Potter were partners!" chimed in Professor Flitwick while making it rain on some hoes. "Butt buddies!"

"The Potters were betrayed by his Black ass," breathed Madam Rosmerta.

"Fat little fuck Peter Pettigrew went after Black," said Fudge.

"Black blew Pettigrew … away.…"

Professor McGonagall shook her head, "What a fucking dumbshit."

"I'd've fuck that ese up holmes," Hagrid growled.

"Shut the fuck up," said Fudge, deriding Hagrid's claims. "Real wizard talking here. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're retarded. He would've fucked you up."

There was the sound of five cocks being blown.

Madam Rosmerta swallowed.

"Is it true he's gay?"

"I wish I could say that he was," said Fudge. "The rape of Pettigrew and all those fucking Muggles … most of the prisoners sit masturbating in the dark; there's no fucking pussy in there … I was fucking shocked at how _hetero_ Black seemed. He spoke normally to me. It was astounding. You'd have thought he was fucking queer."

Ron and Hermione stared at Harry as if he was a piece of shit found in a sandwich.


	11. The Firebong

CHAPTER ELEVEN

THE FIREBONG

"You want to kill Black or some shit?" said Ron.

"We're not just going to kill Black," Harry said. "We're going to cut out his living guts and use them to fucking grease my Firebolt."

"Who the hell gave you a Firebolt?" said Ron.

"Santa," said Harry.

"I knew it," said Ron.

"You're a fucking idiot," said Harry. "I feel sorry for your mother giving birth to a fucking kid with shit for brains."

"VOLDEMORT!" yelled Harry, startling Ron.

They made their way to Hagrid's cabin.

"That's a weird ass noise," Ron said. "Is that fucking Fang?"

There were some low, throbbing moans.

"Hagrid!" called Harry. "I know what you're doing in there you sick fuck."

"Yeh heard?" he bellowed.

Hagrid shoved a letter toward Harry.

_Dear Señor Hagrid,_

_ You bear responsibility for the attack by Fuckbeak on a student._

_ A hearing will take place on 4/20._

_ You suck …_

"Them fuckin' demanters make me feel like bein' back in fuckin' Asskaban —"

Hermione said, "Is it gay in there?"

"Yeh've no fuckin' idea," said Hagrid. "Thought I was goin' full retard."

"Yeh can' remember if yer fuckin' retarded or not. When they let me out of the closet, it was like bein' born again, it was the best feelin' in the fuckin' world."

"You were straight!" said Hermione.

"Think they give a fuck? They don' give a shit. Long as they've got a couple o' hundred humans to suck off, they don' give a damn who's straight or not."

Harry was woken by Ron on Christmas morning.

"If you touch me again, I'll kill you."

Harry ripped a package open and a Firebong rolled out. Ron dropped his cum socks and jumped for a closer look.

"Fuck me tenders," he said.

"Back the fuck off," said Harry.

Harry sack tapped Ron, who vomited instantly.

"Whatever you're reaching for better be your dick," said Harry, "cause you're going to have to eat it."

Hermione came in, wearing just lingerie.

Harry and Ron stared, open-mouthed.

"This must've been really expensive.…"

"Probably cost more than Ron's family's combined worth," said Harry.

"Who fucking cares?" said Ron. "Can I hit it? I'm gonna need a light."

"I don't think anyone should smoke that bong just yet!" said Hermione.

"What are you going to do with it — use it as a dildo?" said Ron.

Ron taunted Crookshanks by holding the Pocket Pussy on his crotch and rotating his hips around.

"FUCK!" Ron bellowed as Crookshanks sprang.

Professor McGonagall kicked open the portrait hole.

"Miss Granger has informed me that you have a bong," said Professor McGonagall.

"I'm going to have to confiscate this," said Professor McGonagall.

Professor McGonagall carried the Firebong out. Harry rounded on Hermione.

"_What the fuck_?"

Harry reached back.


	12. The Shit

CHAPTER TWELVE

THE SHIT

Harry was angry. Hermione cowered fearfully in anticipation of what was coming. He saw that she was vulnerable. Instead of slapping the shit out of her he grabbed her by her waist and pulled her toward him. He spun her around and put his hand under her. He stroked her through her jeans.

Hermione turned her head, looked at Harry, and nodded. He stuck his hand down her pants and rubbed her pussy. They made out. He went under her bra and caressed her perky tits. She could feel his hardened cock against her back. He kissed her neck and fingered the orgasm out of her.

Harry forced Lupin to teach him the Patronus Charm by threatening to tell Dumbledore that Lupin put his finger in Harry's nono.

"The spell is some highly advanced shit. The charm might be too advanced for your stupid ass."

"Shut the fuck up already," said Harry. "I got this shit."

"_EXPECTO PATRONUM_!" Harry bellowed. "_FUCKING EXPECTO PATRONUM_! _EXPECTO FUCKING PATRONUM_!"

Harry heard his mother's voice — "_Not Harry_! _Please sir_ — _I'll suck your cock_ —"

"_Get on your fucking knees_, _bitch_!"

"Fuck you God!"

"That was the most shittiest Patronus I have ever seen in my piece of shit life," Lupin said. "You are one sorry son of a bitch. You should fucking uninstall your life. Who the fuck taught you how to conjure the Patronus?"

Lupin handed him Valium. "For your seizures."

"I ain't falling for that shit," Harry muttered.

Lupin pulled two Charles Butterbrewkowskis out.

Harry raised an eyebrow, suspecting one was spiked.

"Let's get fucking wasted," said Lupin.

Harry drank Lupin's Butterbrewstoyevski.

"What's under a demanter's hood?"

"The only people who know are fucking retarded and in no condition to tell us shit."

"The Demanter's Blow sucks a victim's cock clean off," said Lupin.

Harry spat out his Mike Butterbrewgaslowski.

"You can exist without your soul. But you'll have no sense of self anymore, no memory, no … shit. There's no chance of recovery. You're an empty vegetable."

Harry walked into Professor McGonagall and pickpocketed the Firebong.

"Watch it bitch!"

It was used.

He turned into Gryffindor Tower and saw Neville Retard Longbottom.

"Mother of niggerdicks!" Neville was saying. "I've forgotten the password!"

"Not surprised you limpdick," roared Sir Ass.

"You about to get an ass whooping," said Lee Jordan as he beat Neville's ass.

"Dickinput," said Harry. Sir Ass closed on Neville.

"I jacked it back you fucking narc," said Harry.

"I'd better hit it," said Harry, "before it gets confiscated again —"

"I suppose so," said Hermione tearfully. "Can you sit down?"

Hermione grabbed his junk and jerked him off under the table.

Harry looked around. He was going to come. At that moment, Ron fell down the stairs.

"FUCK!" he bellowed. "FUCK!" he yelled.

Hermione squeezed his cock — and Harry keeled over.

"Hey shut the hell up you ginger son of a bitch —"

"HEY! WHO SHAT IN MY MOTHERFUCKING BED?"

"CROOKSHANKS YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Ron yelled. "THIS IS WHAT WAS ON THE FUCKING BED BITCH!"

Ron smeared Hermione's rune translation with cat shit.


	13. Quidbitch Again

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

QUIDBITCH AGAIN

"What is that?" Hermione said.

"What is what?" Ron said.

"There is … a shit on my homework. In the corner there is a shit! There is a shit on my homework!"

"'Or is the homework on the shit?' is what Kierkegaard would say."

"Is that a shit?" said Harry through a cloud of ganja smoke.

Hermione blamed Ron for fucking with Crookshanks. Ron cussed out Hermione, calling her a bitch a thousand times over. He threatened to slit her throat in her sleep.

"Help, Harry!" said Hermione.

"Hey don't be looking at me," Harry said. "Don't look at me. I ain't going to help you."

Ron started to cry.

"Stop being a whiny little bitch. It's your own damn fault. If that cat didn't eat it I would've fed it to Hedwig myself. Sometimes you can be such a faggot."

Harry threw a cum sock at Ron and told him to clean himself up. Ron continued to be a bitch and insisted on having a funeral, which Harry derided as horseshit.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm the boy who fucking lived."

The Slytherin team looked pissed at Harry's Firebolt.

"I hope it breaks off in your ass — like your Nimbus," said Draco Malfoy.

"Yours doubles as a vibrator you cock gobbler," said Harry.

The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw teams walked out onto the field. Harry noticed that Cho Chang was extremely cute. It was pretty obvious that he had a crush. The magic in his pants was making her blush.

They kicked off into the air.

Lee Jordan cleared his throat.

"Yeah. Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, I'm one hundred percent nigga. Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, I'm two hundred percent nigga. Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, why do police hate niggers? Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, they hate us cause our dicks is bigger. Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, why you call yourself a nigga? Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga, cause I'm a motherfucking nigga!"

"JORDAN! THIS AIN'T A FUCKING RAP BATTLE! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR BUMPER LIPS!"

Harry noticed that Cho Chang flew like a chink — she kept flying into him, but not on purpose.

"FUCK THAT PUSSY UP!" Wood roared.

Cho grinned.

Harry looked down at his dick.

Three demanters were up his ass.

He roared, "_Expecto motherfucking patronum_!"

Something white erupted from his wand. He cursed Ravenclaw players while he was at it. He grasped the Snitch.

"I raped the demanters!" Harry said.

"They weren't demanters dumbass," said Lupin. "Your Patronus mounted Mr. Malfoy —"

"Party in the Gryffindor common room bitches!" said George.

Ron could not afford the cover charge.

"Get your five Sickle ass out of here before I decide to break myself some change," said Sir Ass.

George made it rain on the crowd.

Ron still bitching about Scabbers was a downer.

"Can't you shut the fuck up?" Harry asked Ron.

"No," said Grumpy Ron.

The Gryffindor party ended only when Professor McGonagall told them that old people were trying to sleep and they should shut the hell up. Harry climbed into bed and unleashed his throbbing member.…

He had a sexual fantasy about Cho Chang. She was wearing a bustier and garter. He was fucking her tight ass sideways. He pulled her bustier down to expose her small breasts. He groped them and rubbed her trimmed pussy. Harry did not care if Ron could hear him. He was about to climax —

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCC CCCKKKKK! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Harry's mood was ruined. He heard Dean Thomas's voice: "Go the fuck to sleep."

"Black! Sirius Black! With a dildo!"

"_Bullshit_!"

"Ripped off my trousers!"

"You sure you weren't having a sexual fantasy?" said Dean.

"Look at the dildo shaped bruises!"

"Who's getting dildoed?"

"Excellent, orgy," said Fred Weasley.

Professor McGonagall kicked Sir Ass in the dick.

"Percy you piece of shit, do your fucking job!"

"It's not my fault my bitch ass brother Ron suffers from nighttime urinary incontinence —"

"IT WASN'T A FUCKING WET DREAM!" Ron yelled. "SIRIUS BLACK TRIED TO RAPE ME!"

Professor McGonagall flipped Ron off to silence him.

"I let a man enter me!" cried Sir Ass.

"You _did_?" said Professor McGonagall. "Not the children!"

"A person left the passwords to Neverland Ranch lying around!" said Sir Ass.

"Who in the fucking fuck," she said, "was the fucking shitdick that fucking left the fucking passwords lying the fuck around?"

Neville Longbottom raised his hand. The Gryffindors lynched and worked him out.


	14. Snape's Dick Up His Ass

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

SNAPE'S DICK UP HIS ASS

The Gryffindor Tower spent the whole night shitting themselves like the little bitches they were.

Sir Ass had been used as kindling to heat Hogwarts. Some trolls were were hired to protect the Fat Ass in her return. They farted and compared the size of their dicks.

For once in his miserable life, people actually gave a shit about Ron though he was still traumatized by last Friday night's stranger in his bed.

"… I was asleep, and I felt my trousers rip, and I thought I was dreaming. But then my ass felt a breeze … I woke up and my trousers had been pulled down.… he rolled me over … and I saw him on top of me … shitloads of nasty pubic hair … holding this dildo, must've been twelve inches … and we locked eyes, and then he slapped my face with the _dildo_."

"He'd've had to rape the whole castle to get out once you'd yelled rape," said Harry.

Neville was in the shitter. His grandmother sent him a Howler.

"— _**YOU ARE SO FUCKING RETARDED. I TOLD YOUR MOTHER TO GET YOU ABORTED**_**. **_**YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING RIGHT**_** —"**

"— _**JESUS H. CHRIST ON A FUCKING STICK**_** — **_**YOU AIN'T SHIT, YOU KNOW THAT? FUCKING SCREW YOURSELF**_** —"**

"— _**I AM SO FUCKING CLOSE TO KNOCKING YOUR FUCKING TEETH DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND RIPPING YOUR FUCKING LUNGS OUT IT ISN'T EVEN FUCKING FUNNY YOU ANNOYING DICK**_**.**_** I WISH YOU WERE NEVER FUCKING BORN YOU FUCKING DISGRACE**_**.**_** I'M OUT**_**."**

"Shit son," Ron said.

Harry got a letter too.

Dear the Douche and the Homeless,

Come over and eat my shit cooking for dinner.

So long gay boys,

Hagrid

"He probably wants to hear about my roscoe!" said Ron.

Harry and Ron saw a furry suit upon entering Hagrid's cabin.

"What the fuck is that for?" said Harry.

"I have a fetish," said Hagrid, "but that's none o' yer fuckin' business yeh meat handler."

Hagrid poured them piss and served them shit.

"Yeh've been a shit friend ter Hermione," said Hagrid.

"We didn't ask for your opinion, asshole," said Harry.

"She's being stupid about her cat," Ron said.

"Well, we're all kinds o' retarded," said Hagrid.

"Nope, just you," said Ron.

They returned to the common room.

"Hogsmeade, bitch!" said Ron.

"Harry, if you go into Hogsmeade again … I'll tell on your ass!" said Hermione.

"Shut up bitch," growled Ron.

Harry hurried to the one-boobed witch, consulting the Mofo's Map. Neville Longbottom was moving in his direction.

Harry muttered, "Not this bitch."

Neville came around the corner into Harry.

"Trying to hump me you faggot?" said Harry.

He stepped behind Harry.

"Trying to fuck you faggots?" said Snape.

Harry ditched their gay asses and doubled back.

"Where was you?" Ron hissed.

"Snape was up my ass.…"

They set off for High Street.

They visited Zach's Sex Toy Shop. There were toys to fuck him silly; Harry shoplifted the whole catalog hidden beneath the Invisibility Cloak. Ron permanently borrowed some gold to buy one of everything and kept the change.

They visited the Shrieking Shack, a whorehouse.

"Even the Hogwarts ghosts get laid here," said Ron.

Malfoy and company appeared.

"… Father had to go to the hearing to tell them about my dick … testified that I was Jewish so I had to wear a gold star.…"

Beavis and Butt-head went huh huh.

"What the fuck are you looking at?"

"Suppose you'd love to work here? Dreaming about how much cock you'd get? I heard Harry gave you a White Christmas — just plain fucking nasty."

Harry scooped a handful of flobberworm shit.

"We were just talking about your fudge packing beaner friend Fagrid," Malfoy said.

SPLAT.

Malfoy was hit right in the pecker.

He spat out shit.

"Who the fuck did that?"

"I always knew you were full of shit," said Ron.

Harry produced some foul-smelling, diarrhea shit.

SPLATTER.

Ron was caught in the crossfire.

"Over there you retards!" said Malfoy, wiping shit off his mouth.

Crabbe charged. Harry picked up a rock and threw it at Crabbe's head. Crabbe face-planted into Harry's dick. Harry fell over into fetal position — and pulled down his pants to assess the damage. The cloak slid off.

He flashed Malfoy.

"FUUUCK!" he yelled, pointing at Harry's dick. He bailed and hauled ass.

Harry ran back to the castle.

"My office, you fucking chode," said Snape.

"Mr. Malfoy saw something strange," said Snape.

"Maybe he's dropping acid," said Harry. "If he's seeing shit —"

"What would your dick have been doing in Hogsmeade?" said Snape. "Your ass is not allowed in Hogsmeade."

"It sounds like Malfoy had a bad trip —" said Harry.

"Malfoy is not on LSD," snarled Snape.

"I've been jerking in Gryffindor Tower," said Harry.

"No one straight would confirm that alibi."

"How gay like your father you are," Snape said.

"My dad wasn't a _fag_," said Harry. "And neither am I."

"He was so queer —"

"FUCK YOU!"

"_What the fuck did you say to me_?"

"Did I stutter?" Harry yelled.

"Enough you jizz stain," he said.

"Pull out your dick!" he spat.

"You don't have a warrant," said Harry.

"I have probable cause! Turn out your pockets!"

Snape pulled out the Mofo's Map.

"Why don't I just — wipe my ass with this?"

Harry shrugged.

Words appeared.

"_Mr. Mooner says 'fuck off' to Professor Snape and thinks that he is a nosy bastard."_

"_Mr. Prick concurs with Mr. Mooner and would like to add that Professor Snape is one motherfugly son of a bitch."_

"_Mr. Pudfoot is surprised that the dumbest retard of all time ever got employment at Hogwarts rather than picking up trash like the rest of the autistic community."_

"_Mr. Wormdick hopes Professor Snape gets AIDS and dies, and thinks he is a dirty ass piece of shit."_

Ron and Lupin bursted in.

"Harry — bought — that — shit — off — me," he choked. "I — flipped — it — so — I — could — afford — food …"

"You two asswipes come with me," said Lupin.

They left Snape's office.

"I know it's a map dickheads," said Lupin. "Remember the last time a retard left shit lying around?"

"I'm not a clumsy fuck —"

"I don't want to hear shit," said Lupin. "So fuck you, it's mine now."

"So who the fuck are these people?"

"The mapmakers wanted you to get fucked … ," Lupin hesitated, "because they'd think it'd be fucking funny."

"I'm not here at Hogwarts to wipe your ass, Harry. I thought that what you heard when the demanters skullfuck you and your shitty Patronus jogged some sense into your dumb ass. Your parents didn't get raped in the ass so you could get off better. Now get the fuck out of my sight you gooch goblin."

Harry and Ron walked away.

"I'm the one who fucked up" said Ron.

"No shit," said Harry. "Scratch my balls, bitch."

Hermione walked toward them.

"The dumbass ogre lost his case because we gave zero fucks," said Hermione. "Buckbeak is fucked."


	15. The Quidbitch Final

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

THE QUIDBITCH FINAL

The letter was wet with jizz stains.

Hola Hermione,

Fuck you.

Thanks for nothing you puta.

Hagrid

"Harry, I feel so, so sorry for Buckbeak …," Hermione sobbed.

She flung her arms around Harry's neck. Harry hugged her.

"That's how I do it baby," said Harry. "That's how I do it."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione talked to Hagrid during Care of Magical Creatures.

"S'all your fault. I'm stupid as shit. I kep' droppin' me shit and forgettin' shit.…"

"Look at that retard!"

"He's supposed to be a fucking teacher?" said Malfoy. "Fucking ridic!"

Hermione punched Malfoy in the dick. Malfoy crumpled. She raised her wand.

"Don't _make_ me shove this up your urethra, you fairy faggot fuck —"

Ron tried to grab her hand but fondled her breast.

"Fuck _off_, you perv!"

Hermione slapped Ron.

Ron was turned on.

"Harry, you'd better fuck him up in Quidditch!" Hermione said. "I just better had, because I can't stand his cockiness!"

Hermione was a truant for Charms.

Harry and Ron hurried toward the common room.

Hermione was shlicking it at a table, mouth open, her head tilted back. They sat down on either side of her. Harry poked her.

"Oh — shit!" Hermione squeaked. "I was sleeping!"

"I was thinking about Malfoy and I lost myself!" said Hermione.

They stared at the crystal ball.

"Seen shit?" Harry asked.

"There's semen on this table," said Ron. "Someone's spanked their cock."

"This is fucking bullshit," Hermione hissed.

"Anyone need help to examine the milky contents of their balls?" Professor Trollawney murmured.

"It's obvious this means I'm going to have loads of cum tonight," Ron whispered.

Harry and Hermione stared.

"Gay!" said Professor Trelawney. She peered at their crystal ball.

"Something moved!" Professor Trelawney whispered.

"Here it is …," Professor Trelawney breathed. "Veinier than ever before … hardening, growing … the Pe —"

"Oh, for _fuck's_ sake!" said Hermione. "Not that shit _again_!"

"I am sorry the Penis avoids you, you _dyke_. I don't remember ever meeting a student whose vagina was cock repellent."

"Divination is for fags!" said Hermione, hurling _Unfogging Horseshit_ at Professor Trelawney. "Fags!" she repeated, chucking the ball. "I fucking quit!"

Hermione broke open the trap door and climbed down.

"It is a beautiful day to fuck shit up," Ron muttered.

Harry had to fit in his jerks around Quidditch steroid injections in the ass every day.

Wood had given instructions that Harry should be accompanied by his groupies everywhere he went, in case the Slytherins tried to permanently disable him.

Harry had a dream. He was flying, trying to avoid getting ass raped.

"If you win, I'll give you a naked pic!" called Cho. Harry had to win in the name of masturbation.

They rose into the air.

Marcus Flint fucked Angelina.

"Rape!" said Angelina.

Fred Weasley swung his club at Flint's dick. Flint's scrotum was crushed, neutering him.

"Penalty shots to the crotch!" shrieked Madam Hooch.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! IT BURNS!" howled Flint.

The Slytherin Beaters tried to gang rape Harry, clubs raised for maximal penetration —

Harry got the fuck out of there, and Bole and Derrick double penetrated each other.

"Ha haaa!" yelled Lee Jordan. "Y'all niggas are gay!"

Bole blacked out Alicia. George Weasley Hercules checked Bole into the stands.

Bole and Derrick aimed both Bludgers up Wood's asshole.

The Slytherins were going to castrate themselves with penalty shots to the crotch.

He saw Bitch the Snitch.

Harry hauled ass, but the Firebolt was slowing down —

He looked down. Malfoy had thrown himself at Harry, grabbed his pecker, and was tugging him back.

"Why are you grabbing my dick Prop 8 —"

Harry let off a hot jet stream of golden shower.

"YOU ASS MARAUDING BITCH!" Lee Jordan was howling.

Professor McGonagall pushed him into the crowd and took over the megaphone.

"YOU FUCKING ASS MARAUDING, AUTISTIC, BALL SACK BUSTING BITCH — BULLSHITTING, BUTTFUCKING, CHEERIO DICKING CHICKEN MCFAGGOT, COCK CUNT, CUM SWALLOWER — DAMN DICKCHEESE, DILDOING DOGSHIT, DONG DOUCHE, DOWN SYNDROME FAGGY FAGGOT, FUCKFACED FUCKTWIT — GOD DAMN GAY ASS HOMOSEXUAL JACKASS OF A JIZZ TISSUE — JESUS CHRIST MOTHERFUCKING NIGGER PENIS, PISS PUNK GAY BITCH, PUSSY QUEER, RECTUM RAIDER, SHITPIECE, TIT TWAT, VAGINA WANG —"

Malfoy was cockblocking Harry.

"Can't get shit, can't get shit!" Malfoy yelled.

Harry mooned him and Malfoy did a double take.

"FFFFFFFUUUCK!"

Malfoy was diving.

Harry threw himself at Malfoy, grabbing his dick in retaliation. Malfoy dumped a jar of lube and went back and forth on his broom possibly to distract Harry but probably not —

He pulled out while maintaining Malfoy's hard-on, ball in fist, beating against his fingers.

The crowd rushed the field. Harry saw Hagrid — "Yeh beat 'im, Harry, yeh beat 'im!" Wood was trampled to death in the chaos. Professor McGonagall didn't give a flying fuck, playing air guitar with the megaphone stand; Ron and Hermione could have given him the world's best blow.

Harry took all the credit for winning the Quidditch Cup, demanding to keep the Cup for himself and would have his Patronus mount anyone who dare take it from him.


	16. Darkly Dreaming Trollawney

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

DARKLY DREAMING TROLLAWNEY

Lee Jordan ended up in the hospital wing. He had been pushed into some Aurors watching the Quidditch Final who beat him into a coma for being black. His last words were "don't jinx me bro!" Oliver Wood was pronounced dead at the scene. Madam Pomfrey's official cause of death was a heart attack. Professor McGonagall concluded that Gryffindor came out on top as Lee had it coming and Wood had served his purpose.

Harry masturbated to a stripteasing Cho Chang instead of studying for exams.

Harry and Ron saw Hermione's shlicking schedule had conflicting times with her exams.

"How are you going to shlick and sit for an exam at the same time?" said Harry.

"That shit ain't mine," said Hermione.

Harry winged his exams.

He emerged from Transfiguration on tranquilizers.

He smoked crack in Charms.

He smoked cannabis in Care of Magical Creatures.

He smoked PCP in Potions.

He dropped acid in Astronomy. He injected heroin in Herbology.

He did MDMA in DADA.

He walked to Divination on downers.

"The crystal ball told me that I was retarded!" squeaked Neville.

"Oh, really?" snorted Ron.

Ron was tested.

"Couldn't see shit," said Ron, "so I made shit up."

Harry was called.

The tower room was hotter than two rabbits fucking in a wool sock.

"I see a hippogriff," he said.

"Does the hippogriff appear to … have its ass intact?" whispered Professor Trelawney.

"I see it being raped by a furry figure!" said Harry.

"Hagrid?"

"Yes!" said Harry.

"That is some sick shit."

Harry turned to go.

_**"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT."**_

Professor Trelawney seized.

_**"IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. HAS TO HAPPEN. NICE NIGHT. HOGSMEADE IS A GREAT TOWN. I LOVE THE MEXICAN FOOD. PORK TACOS, MY FAVORITE. BUT I'M HUNGRY FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT NOW.…"**_

Professor Trelawney recovered.

"What the fuck did you say?" said Harry.

"You heard what I said," she said, "I'm feeling burritos now."

"No — what the fuck were you saying before that?"

"Oh — that — the Dark Lord will be erect again … his servant's going to go down on him.…"

"Holy shit —"

"I said I want burritos —"

"Fuck your burritos, bitch!" said Harry. "That shit _cray_!"

Harry, Ron, and Hermione forgot about the appeal.

They went to go hotbox the Invisibility Cloak from under the cock tree.

There was the thud of an axe.

"Oh fuck!" Hermione whispered. "Buckbeak! Oh well, sucks to be Hagrid!"


	17. Pussy, Snitch, and Bitch

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

PUSSY, SNITCH, AND BITCH

"Hehe, it's a dog chasing a cat chasing a rat."

"It's Crookshanks — and _Scabbers_!"

Hermione gaped at Ron.

"How high are you?"

"GET HIM!"

Ron sprang after them.

The dog looked at Ron, then hurtled after him.

"_Oh fuck me_!" Ron moaned.

The dog bit Ron's crotch.

It dragged Ron down the rabbit hole at the base of the trunk of the Whoop Ass Willow.

Ron was hooked around a root — but Ron's dick snapped again in a different place, and he vanished.

Harry and Hermione went into the tunnel.

All Harry could think of was the dog doing Ron.

What lay beyond was a BDSM dungeon. Shackles and cuffs were attached to the walls; there were semen stains on the floor.

"I think we're in the Shrieking Whorehouse," Hermione whispered.

"Wild nights," Harry said.

They crept upstairs.

Harry kicked the door open.

"Freeze bitch!"

"It's a trap," Ron moaned.

A homeless person shut the door behind them. It was Sirius' Black ass.

He pointed Ron's wand at them.

"You'll have to rape us before you rape Harry!" Ron said.

"There'll be only one rape here tonight," said Black.

"Gang bang?" Harry spat. "What's the matter with your cock, gone soft?"

"Now this looks familiar," said Black. "Where have I seen this before? Let me think. Oh yes, I remember! This is just the way your parents looked before they died. And here's my little secret. I killed James and Lily!"

"NOOOOO!" Harry roared and lunged forward. "MURDERER!"

Harry wanted to rape Black as hard as he could and he didn't care how gay it was —

He choked Black out.

"Going to rape me, Harry my boy?" he whispered.

"I'm going to cut your fucking dick off, gift wrap it, and give it to Hermione to use as a dildo, you son of a bitch," said Harry.

Black looked down.

"If it weren't for you, my parents would still be alive!" said Harry. "It's your fault they're dead! Do you deny it?"

"No," Black said.

"Then you're guilty!" Harry said.

"No, I'm not a murderer!" Black said

"Oh Sirius, you're in trouble again," said Harry. "But this time, Voldy isn't here to save you. And now everyone knows why!"

Professor Lupin hurtled into the room.

"_Expelliarmus_ you dirty homo!" Lupin shouted.

"Now why am I not surprised," Lupin muttered, observing Harry lying on top of Black.

"Why hasn't he exposed himself before now? Unless" — Sudden Lucidity Lupin's cock hardened, "— unless _he's_ a closet homo."

Lupin and Black hugged it out.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTT RAPE!" Hermione screamed.

"I loved you, man," Harry shouted at Lupin.

"They're not only partners but also butt buddies!" Hermione screamed. "_Lupin's a queerwolf_!"

"Shut up cunt," Lupin said.

"_Don't touch me, faggot_!"

"How did you know?" said Lupin. "Did you chart my period?"

"Sí, señor," Hermione said.

"YOU'VE BEEN HELPING THIS JAILHOUSE COCKSUCKER ALL THIS TIME!" Harry yelled.

"That's a bingo," said Lupin.

"How did you know we were here?" Harry said.

"The Mofo's Map," said Lupin. "They called me Mooner at school — cause I gave it up."

"Somebody else is with us," said Lupin.

"Nigga you blind?" said Harry.

"Scabbers' not a rat," croaked Sirius Black.

"Get the fuck out of here —"

"He's a wizard," said Lupin.

"I've heard that one before!" snorted Harry.


	18. Mooner, Wormdick, Pudfoot, and Prick

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

MOONER, WORMDICK, PUDFOOT, AND PRICK

"Uh, it's an animal that looks like a dude?"

"You got to be shitting me!" said Hermione.

"He's an Animagus," said Black, "by the really gay name of Peter Petitgrower."

"HE'S NOT PETER, HE'S SCABBERS!" Ron yelled.

"Stop screaming you homo," Black said.

"Why the fuck are we in this shithole?" said Ron. "This place is filthy as fuck!"

"What you see.… The screams and howls were caused by me," said Lupin.

"When Dumbledore became Headmaster and master of head, the Shrieking Shack was built.…" Lupin sighed. "Once a month, I fucked like a queerwolf."

"I fucked anything that moved. The noise and the screaming were from violent sex.…"

"Snape's been right about me all along."

"He has been telling Dumbassdore all fucking year that I am not to be trusted. He is a bitch … all because Sirius played a trick on Professor Snape which made him nearly lose his virginity —"

"Serves him the fuck right," Black said. "Sneaky mofo, trying to fuck us … hoping he could get us raped.…"

"Sirius thought it would be — hilarious, to tell Snape where I went every month. Well, of course, the fuckhead tried it — if he'd got this far, he'd been raped — but your father saved his dumbass.…"

"So that's why Snape doesn't like your gay ass," said Harry, "because he thought you were in on the rape?"

"That's right," sneered a high pitched voice from behind Lupin.

Severed Snake was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, his wand out.


End file.
